


More than just a game

by PeterHaleforAlpha



Series: Shut up and kiss me [2]
Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post 2X06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 04:42:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4006255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeterHaleforAlpha/pseuds/PeterHaleforAlpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nathan hadn't really been there when Duke died but Audrey told him about it and now he can't fight the thought that Duke probably died without knowing how much Nathan felt for him. He wants to change it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More than just a game

**Author's Note:**

> This story will only makes if you have read the first part:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/3986110

 

Duke shoved another beer over to Nathan who was still sitting at the bar. Chris was long gone and also Audrey who was upstairs in her apartment now. She had looked so sad and heartbroken and Nathan didn’t know how to help.

“Will she be okay?” Duke asked concerned.

Nathan nodded absently. “I think so.” Audrey was strong and she would get over it. Some cases just got more to you than others and Nathan could understand her. She told him this morning what she had been through and only the thought of it was enough for Nathan. He didn’t want to actually live that.

“A Trouble?” Duke didn’t know anything at all, only that they all acted a little strange and that something had happened.

Another nod came from Nathan. “A really bad one.”

“What happened?” Duke came around the bar and sat next to Nathan again.

“The day repeated over and over again and she saw us die. You, I, Chris and she couldn’t help the troubled person either. He died.”

Duke took a big sip of his beer. “Damn, I wouldn’t want to see me die.”

Nathan looked up. He didn’t either although he joked about it this morning as Audrey told him about it. He joked about it because he couldn’t imagine anything worse.

 

_“Duke died? That would be something to see.” A big smirk formed on his lips._

_Audrey just hit him. “You were there, Nathan, and you seemed pretty upset about it.”_

_At once Nathan was totally quiet. He was there? Immediately there was this big hole in his stomach. He didn’t want to imagine what it would feel like to see Duke die. He didn’t want to know how this scene went on. He asked anyway because he needed to know because there were still these feelings for him that Nathan couldn’t shake off. “Did I … did I say anything to him?” Nathan thought about it so often. Thought about telling Duke how he still felt, just wanted to talk to him but he was afraid how Duke would react but he would say something if he was dying, right? Duke had the right to know and he would say something, at least he hoped he did._

_Audrey looked up, tears in her eyes and shook her head. “There was no time but I think you tried to and … and-“_

_“And what?” Nathan tried to hold back the tears that were filling his eyes._

_“You kissed him on his forehead after he was gone.” Audrey put a hand on her mouth and tried to control her sobs._

_Nathan pulled her into a hug and rubbed gently over her back. “He is alive, Audrey.” He rested his head on hers. “He is still here. I am too and Chris. We are all still here.” He pulled her a little bit closer while he was thinking about another Nathan in another timeline who kissed Duke after he had seen him die. Would he do the same?_

 

Nathan couldn’t take his gaze off of Duke and apparently Duke noticed. “Hey, I know you would love to see that and all but let me be happy that I’m still kicking and-“

“I saw it.” Nathan didn’t think about those words before he spoke them out loud.

“What?”

“I mean not me but the other me. On that day I was there. I was with you apparently.” Nathan looked anywhere but Duke’s eyes. He didn’t want him to see how he felt. How he was still shaken about this thought although he couldn’t remember a damn thing. He only knew the things Audrey told him but they were enough. Enough to break something in him.

“I’m glad you were.” Duke’s voice was soft and a little smile formed on his lips.

Nathan had to look up again to see it for himself. “What?”

“Don’t get me wrong. The thought of my death is really terrifying and all but if I had to choose one person to be there with me there is no question that I would not choose you.”

Terrifying was the right word. The thought of Duke’s death was terrifying and horrible. Even worse was the fact that he couldn’t say it to him – not even now. He wanted to tell him how he felt, how shaken he was only of the thought of him dying and how he wanted to kiss him now – now that he was still alive so that he didn’t have to wait until Duke was dead again.

The long silence had to bother Duke because he started babbling again. “Don’t think something wrong here, Nathan. I just mean that you are a good friend for me. I mean you are my oldest friend. The one person that knows me the longest time. It’s just assuring to know that you were there, nothing more.”

Nathan nodded and stared at him a while more. Probably he should go. If he couldn’t find the courage to tell him what he was actually feeling he should go and not torture himself more. Every time he looked at him he had an imagine in his head of a dying Duke even if he had not been there in the first place. It was haunting him.

“Hey, Nate, you’re okay? You are a little pale.” Duke actually sounded worried.

Nathan shook his head. “I saw you die.” He reached out and dug his hand in Duke’s shirt. “I mean I didn’t but another I and he would act the same, right? I would react like him?”

“Nathan?”

“Audrey told me about it. About your death. About me…”

Duke put his hand on Nathan’s. He didn’t feel it but he saw it and it meant the world to him. Duke touching him. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” It wasn’t okay that he couldn’t even say it to him as Duke was dying. Maybe he wanted to, maybe he really did and there was no time as Audrey said but Nathan just knew that Duke didn’t know as he died. He had never known what Nathan felt for him. And Nathan should be able to tell him now because Duke deserved to know but Nathan was afraid of losing him. He was afraid how it could change their relationship.

“What happened?” It was barely a whisper.

“You died.”

Nathan saw how Duke squeezed his hand. “There must be something more. You wouldn’t be so out of your mind if-“

“Is this not enough? I mean you died and the thought of it alone-“ Nathan’s voice broke.

“I’m here, okay? I’m still alive. All is good.”

“Yeah.” Nathan didn’t really know if everything was okay but it would be, right? Because he would forget it, forget how he felt to know that Duke died and that he was there with him, kissing him to say goodbye.

“Good.” Duke patted on his shoulders. “I am certain that you soon will be very annoyed to have me still around.” Duke smirked about his own joke and Nathan could only think about how wrong he was so he didn’t think anymore about the consequences and just said what he wanted to say the whole time: “Shut up and kiss me.”

Duke froze for a moment and pointed a finger at him. “Nathan, what?”

“You heard me. Shut up and kiss me.” He was more determined than ever before. It was this little game that they were playing as teenagers and it somehow stuck around. These words became more important to them than anything else ever. They just needed to say it and everything between them was forgotten, at least for this little moment. And Nathan didn’t want to think about what could be and what could go wrong anymore, he just wanted Duke and this was the only way how he could get him. Easy and without any further explanation.

Duke chuckled. “Come on, Nathan, you can’t be serious. That was a game we played when we were teenagers.”

Nathan didn’t imagine it to go this way. Whatever they were fighting about it always worked. Just one had to say it and the other would obey. No arguing or whatsoever. It didn’t matter what was before. And now Duke said something like this? They had the worst fights and it didn’t matter and now they were talking more or less openly with each other and Duke questioned his attentions? Nathan couldn’t believe it, not when Duke was most of the time the one who started this all. “Forget it. You’re right. It was a game.”

 

_“You love him, don’t you?” Audrey was still in his arms as she asked this question._

_Nathan didn’t answer. They never used these words, there had only been “Shut up and kiss me”, never more. They had an off-on relationship or not even a relationship at all as teenagers and they had a thing a little later on as Nathan returned from college. There had been something between them but the word love was never mentioned, from neither of them._

_But Nathan wasn’t sure if it may be love after all and they just never talked about it._

_“I don’t know,” he admitted sadly._

_“You should find out. Soon.” Audrey pulled away and looked up to him. “He is still here, you have another chance. You shouldn’t let it just pass.”_

_He nodded with a little smile on his lips._

 

If this whole thing had never been more than a game to Duke it was probably wise to leave now to not get hurt any further because for Nathan it had been much more than this. It was important to him, then and now. And it would always been important to him – no matter what.

He turned around and only stopped because he couldn’t move on. As he looked back he saw that Duke had grabbed his wrist and was holding him back. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Nathan,” he said and Nathan immediately shook his head. “You didn’t.”

Even Nathan himself could hear the lie in these words.

“I’m sorry, Nate. I just wanted-“

“Don’t, Duke. Just don’t, okay?” Nathan’s voice got louder. “You know since Audrey told me that I kissed you after you died I can’t stop thinking about the fact that you probably died without knowing how I really felt for you. Without knowing how important you are to me. So I’m here now and I try to make it work somehow and then you just turn me down and-“

Before he even realized it Duke was right in front of him, way too close to do anything other than to kiss him. The last time they kissed Nathan could feel but his instincts took over as he smelled the well known scent of Duke and tasted the herb taste of beer on his tongue. His hand wandered to Duke’s neck and he pulled him even closer, didn’t want to miss any second of it. It felt like a whole eternity since they last did this and it probably was. So much had happened since their last kiss.

After a while Duke pulled away, only a little bit. Nathan could still smell him and hear his breathing. “Shut up,” he just said.

Nathan could only smile about it and added: “And kiss me.”

It may have been only a game when they were teenagers but it was now so much more than that. It was the beginning of their whole relationship, the words that lead them here to this day. 

The words that made Nathan realize how much he loved Duke Crocker.

 


End file.
